Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Book Review: Part 1

In my college History class it was required of us to turn in something for each of the four writing assignments throughout the semester.  Although by the time we reached the fourth writing assignment I was absolutely and utterly tired of writing about pointless topics, such as they were having us write in my History class, it was required of me to submit something on pain of not getting a grade at all in the class.  I took one look at the syllabus, discovered that this fourth essay was worth 10% of the final grade, and decided that I was okay with a 90% in the class.

Also, I decided that they shouldn't have given me as much freedom as they did with the term something.

This one is supposed to be a book review, of all things to write in a History class, of a book that I read the first chapter of.  I must say that I was incredibly intrigued and excited by the book, until I started reading it.  An abundance of numbers, figures, factoids, and badly written vignettes populated each page and stared up at me with wanton eyes.  So, like the smart college student I am, I closed the book after the first chapter and decided that was good. It was now time to set out on the adventure of writing four pages of drivel on something I hadn't even read.  So I decided to get creative in order to at least give the TAs a good time while reading the paper, and who knows?  Maybe someday they'll use my paper as one of the bad examples.  I would be so proud.

So, here's the outline.  Enticing, no?  It's even more fun to write the actual paper.  Updates coming soon on that.  I'll keep y'all posted.

I.               INTRODUCTION-1 page

a.     Needlessly long introduction that discusses some sort of existential crap
b.     A three-sentence-too-long tie in of said existential crap to actual topic of intro paragraph
c.      Discussion of intro paragraph material, embellished with factoids that are not present in the book in question
d.     Awkward transition into the thesis
e.     THESIS
f.      Runoff sentence—stemming from the thesis
                                               i.     Potential joke (?)
II.             BODY-2 ½ pages
a.     Topic 1
                                               i.     Introduction to topic 1
                                              ii.     Actual discussion of topic 1
                                            iii.     Fanciful, decorative language that extols the reader of the essay to question virtually everything they knew about this book
                                            iv.     Unanswered questions regarding the human condition
                                              v.     Attempt to answer one of the questions
1.     Possible tie-in of actual information from the book?  Might yield extra points
                                            vi.     Semi-resolution of topic 1
b.     Topic 2
                                               i.     Introduction to topic 2
                                              ii.     Clever metaphor involving imagery and hypothetical situations that have little if anything to do with topic 2
                                            iii.     Somewhat untraceable tie-in to topic 2
                                            iv.     More unanswered questions
                                              v.     Melancholy exclamation of the futility of any attempt to answer questions regarding topic 2
                                            vi.     Utterly hopeless attempt to answer questions regarding topic 2 anyway
                                           vii.     Unexpectedly smooth transition into
c.      Topic 3
                                               i.     Introduction to topic 3
                                              ii.     Direct quote from the book to give the appearance that said book has actually been read
                                            iii.     In-depth and completely wrong analysis of direct literary quote from book
                                            iv.     Tie-in to topic 1 to give the impression that this essay is unified
                                              v.     Bathroom break
                                            vi.     Restatement of topic 3 to give a feeling of finality and completeness to this most amazing of paragraphs
III.           CONCLUSION- ½ page
a.     THESIS but with two or three words changed or switched around
b.     Reassuring statement to the reader affirming the effectiveness of this essay
c.      More existential questions, involving me, as the writer, as the primary character who is wondering where life will go from this point forward and how things got to be this way
d.     Brief reflection on how writing this paper has changed my life
e.     Naïve yet inspiring statement that I, as the author, hope this paper has changed the lives of those who read and/or edit the paper
f.      And then the music gets hopeful
g.     IT’S OVER!!!


  1. Bet you get full points for awesomeness anyway.

  2. This is one of the most truthful pieces of literature I have ever read... Just saying.